what’s the worst that could happen?

I really enjoy meeting people in real life. By real life I don’t mean I prefer it over the internet, I just mean meeting someone who is just doing what they are doing, and for some reason it overlapped with what you were doing. I guess that could happen at a bar, but with alcohol things can get more complicated. The only reason I’m writing this is because I had forgotten what it’s like to just go up and talk to someone in a totally random situation. As everyone knows, I used to do this a lot, in the park. I just enjoyed talking to people who weren’t really expecting it. The last good guy I met in the park was in my life for 10 months whereas the last guy I brought home from the bar lasted one night.

It has been a while though. I obviously need to get back into the talking to people game. I sat on the platform and waited for the train and then sat on the train for 30 minutes with one guy. We talked about messenger bags, bikes, smoking, etc and there were only a few moments where silence took over. The dumb part of it was I didn’t get a name or a number. I posted a missed connection.

And I’ll wait for a bit for a response. But at the same time, I’m excited to continue meeting random people again.

ima punch you in the face.

If I don’t say it here, I’m going to blow up at someone and say something I regret. At least i know that some people don’t read this.

In any case. I set you up with our friend thinking you guys would be nice together, not that you would be a total ASS to him. Don’t say that you like someone and then go and text him (when he obviously doesn’t want you to) and then hang up on him when he calls. Don’t be a douche to me when you obviously know that your actions are hurting me. Honestly how could I not be hurt when you are interested in the guy I was fucking 7 months ago. I don’t want to be around you guys when you’re being “cute” or holding hands or something. I didn’t get that when I was with him, I got sex. And apparently it was nauseating. Thanks.

I’m not sure she is a good friend. She wants to hang out when SHE  wants to talk about something. And when I want to talk she seems uninterested. I don’t care if you’re bored (you shouldn’t be) but at least pretend that you’re interested. And don’t be a bitch to me because your other bff is around or the guy you want to bone is around. Don’t call me a cunt. Don’t be snippy with me, because honestly I feel pretty much the same as your ex-boyfriend right now.

Would you even be as upset if you lost me? Would you even care. I’m thinking not. or you would be too self-absorbed to even realize that I was upset. And since you don’t read this, we’ll probably be best friends tomorrow.

Hope you had a great night.

like this one enough to post.

I never want to forget this one.

thunder/lightning is soothing.

A lot has come up tonight. Our thoughts on Jewish weddings, our thoughts on weddings in general. What we talk about when we have conversations, if it’s substantial enough. Friend stuff. Moving in.

Everyone I’ve talked to says “don’t move in together until you’re a couple years in.” On one side, I totally want to move in. I want you to come home to me every night, I don’t want you going back to west philly. I don’t like the thought of not getting to sleep next to you. At the same time, don’t we annoy each other sometimes now? Can you think of what it will be like when we’re together ALWAYS? We might wind up killing each other/ breaking up. Not a fan.

I know you mentioned it because you were drunk, and I know I’ve been considering it. But I’m not sure. We should wait a bit longer. I know you think it might be okay, but I have serious doubts/worries that you will hate me after a week, that you won’t want to deal with my shit, that i’ll say something that will piss you off and have you never wanting to see/talk to me again. I really want to be at that point where we’re old(er) and we don’t care about stupid shit like how much weight we’ve gained/lost, and stupid stuff that makes us angry. This sounds silly, but the way I see it, when you’re old(er) you get over everything that you were once on, when you were in college and in your twenties and stuff, you don’t need to impress the other person, the things you say don’t really matter, you just know that you love the other person, and that’s all that will ever matter.

I want to be at that point now. I’m truly happy. I don’t want to be anything other than this right now. I just want to skip forward 10, 15, 20 years, and see what it’s all about. Not to say I don’t want to experience that “learning” process, I totally want that. I just want to know that in 10, 15, 20 years, everything is going to be okay. I want to know that I’m going to be happy, and I want to be happy making you happy. It’s a lot to ask for right?

The other thin that got brought up is how long you want to live in the city. In my eye I want to be in Philly for at least another 5 years. You’ve been here, you know the good places to go. I have only JUST discovered fishtown and no libs. I’ve been here for 3 years (give or take) but I don’t feel like I know any of it. I fantasize about living in the country, I fantasize about being away from all the hustle/bustle/people. But at the same time, I like it here, I’m not overwhelmed, I’m not underwhelmed, I’m just okay at the moment. And that’s good for me. I don’t like the two extremes, and I kind of want to live it out to it’s fullest right now. Not to say I don’t want to move out somewhere else at some point, I’m just not ready. And hearing you say things like I miss the woods (which is understandable) and saying things like I want to get out of this city / I don’t know how long I can stay here….makes it really hard on me. Do you want to be away from me?

my thought process right now. because it comes out better in writing.

Shit sucks. And I’m not about to tweet it. I find myself only using twitter when I’m really bored or up late at night, both of which no one in their right mind would care to read about. Anyway it’s like 2:15 am, I’ve managed to drink too much, which for me now is only like 3-4 beers, made an idiot of myself twice and made myself “unattractive” to my boyfriend, who I’m so in love with. So how did this happen? Because my mouth is huge and I’ll say anything for the littlest bit of attention. I should have learned by now, this isn’t the way to do things. He likes me, he is attracted to me, I don’t need to be attractive to the rest of the world, I don’t even need to be obvious to the rest of the world, because really I’ve already got him, he can only be impressed by the things I (capital I) do or don’t do. Sigh, if only I could have such insight to myself BEFORE I do/say stupid things. That would be awesome.

I’m going to make a point of just stopping and thinking before I say or do something. Will what I say hurt him? Would I want him to say it to me? Would I be angry, would I not want to sleep with him after that? I think I took him for granted tonight, maybe I wanted to push it, because things seemed so perfect, maybe I wanted to see what I could get away with…well that was dumb. I’m through with that. I feel like a dumbass, I feel like a fool, I feel like an attention-whore. He said he would call tomorrow, I feel too dumb to answer that phone call. Maybe I should take some time to think. But this was my thought process, and what have I decided? I want to show him I’m NOT dumb, I don’t want to be a fool, I don’t need to be an attention-whore. It’s silly. I’m better/bigger/stronger than that.

Thanks blog. This helped. Sorry for whiny ness.

Undecided about blogging.

Yes, I’m procrastinating. I recently did away with my old blog (but posts are still up if you missed it) because I was writing more for other people than I was for myself. In my mind, this isn’t what writing is all about. So maybe I can write things that aren’t sexually explicit and still post them online, and keep the other things to myself. This is possible!

Anyway, I’m procrastinating writing a paper.

I have a long drawn out process before I can even begin to write a paper. I have to have a cigarette before I start (check). Then I need to alert everyone that I’m writing a paper: twitter (check), aim (check). Then I have to find the right music, music that keeps my fingers moving but doesn’t distract me with lyrics, so something I’ve heard before but I don’t need to listen intently to, so for today something like…Silversun Pickup’s Carnavas will do (check). Now I need to stop procrastinating (check?).

you’re sleep talking, but no real words come out

So. First of all, it’s my second to last day of co-op! Woohoo. Anyone else who is finishing up this week, yay! We did it. For some of us it’s our second one! Congrats.

In other news, I saw Human Highway last night. Every time I go to the church I love it even more. First of all, the downstairs is awesome because you are so close to the band (but they’re on a stage and you’re not so it’s not quite so intimate), upstairs in the main hall is nice too for seated shows but you can’t really dance and usually you’re kind of far away, but the sound is nice. Last night we were in the sanctuary (where I had never been before) and it was awesome! It’s about 10 rows, we were in the second. I probably could have touched the guys if I wanted to, I was also able to take pictures and actually see their faces on my camera phone. They were standing at the same level as us so I was really excited because it was super intimate.

We didn’t get there to see Cotton Jones but we were there for The Magic. They were good but a lot of the songs were really repetitive, yet interesting sounding. The lead singer (the girl) was awesome. Her voice sounded beautiful in there, she was beautiful. The rest of the band consisted of a keyboardist/vocalist, two guitarists, a bassist, and a drummer. They all had mics.

Then without much ado, Human Highway came on.It took me a bit to figure out which guy was the guy from Islands/The Unicorns but once they both started singing it was obvious it was the guy on the right, tall, skinny, 70s looking. His partner in crime was Jim Guthrie, who is older, probably about 35 or a little bit more, he had longish hair and a really awesome mustache. He played a yukelele on the first song but otherwise they both played guitar. The band from The Magic played along with them. I found myself singing along with every song, not too loudly, but then I realized that being in the second row, all the lights were still on us, and the band could totally tell. Whoops. I’m sure they didn’t mind though. The drummer was super attractive, not sure if he was looking at Meg or me but we did get to use his lighter after the show.

After the show we went to Midtown for fries and I got a beer. Then we went on pretzel ride. I was so proud of myself, I made it there and back (not so slow this time) on my highest/hardest gear. I even made it up my two nemesis hills!

I finished reading my book: I Am Legend. So much better than the movie. So different. Next on the list: The Reader.

go lower than deep

Weekly Picks #5!

1. Metric – Fantasies

I am really into this album. I never really got into the other albums except for the song “Combat Baby” but I really like Emily Haines in general. Favorite tracks “Gimme Sympathy” and “Help! I’m Alive”
2. The Ting Tings – We Started Nothing
I just saw these guys last night! I was surprisingly more attracted to the girl than the guy drummer. Mmm. Great show. Can’t get “Fruit Machine” out of my head. Ker-ching, Ker-ching!

3. Kyle Andrews – Real Blasty
I was really only into a song two weeks ago, now the whole album has grown on me. But definitely listen to “sushi” it will hook you.

4. Ok Go – Oh No
I started listening to their self-titled album but then realized I kind of like this one better. So many catchy songs!

5. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – It’s Blitz!

I’m having trouble getting over this album too. Obv.

In other news, Bloc Party on Saturday. Should be good, hopefully better than last time! Woot.

I am torn.

Obviously I miss him. I had myself set up knowing that I would be waiting for 6 months to see him again, best case, 3 months. Now he’s tired, tired of hiking, his knees are sore, he’s not having fun. He has a week to decide if he wants to come home and call it quits.

Of course I want him to come home.

But if he comes home will he regret not doing the whole thing?

What do I say to him? I miss him. A lot.